Mumblings of an incoherent mind...

my four walls

2010-07-07T10:57:00.001+08:00

when the night falls

these four walls

become my prison..

the loneliness envelopes

suffocates

engulfs

the heart cringes

beats in silence

dup dap dup dap

the pulse quickens

and then lapse again

the mind wanders

to the labyrinth of emptiness

the realm of sadness

the four walls

of my prison

keeps me walled in

leaves me alone

solitary confinement

where is the warmth

where is the strength

of the heart of another

more powerful

than mortar and chalk

more radiant than a thousand burning suns

where is your heart

where is your love

your hands once reach out to me

held me close, protected me

and there was warmth

as the walls crumbled

a new dawn emerges

you held me tight

you whispered to me

its all okay

things are gonna be fine now

and now they seem just like a mirage

for without you

my four walls

become my prison once again

Corinne May's 5 Loaves and 2 fishes

2008-11-13T19:03:00.001+08:00

A little boy of thirteen
was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing
and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening
to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom,
even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly
the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry
but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all"

I often think about that boy
when I'm feeling small
and I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry
is a diamond in His hands
and every door that slams in my face
I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breadth that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
no gift is too small

For those who have me on msn, you'd have seen that this is written in my nick. When i first heard the song, I thought it was very meaningful, even today i still think it is. I think it gives me a different view of who I am...i mean the story of the 5 loaves and 2 fishes..was all the time taught as a story where God's greatness is displayed...but in this song, it gives me a different view of things. This song tells me that God can use me, and He can use me in whatever broken state that I am for His purpose. With 5 loaves and 2 fishes, Jesus fed thousands of people. How much more can he do with me.

It's been a while

2008-11-04T12:25:00.002+08:00

It's been a while...and I guess a lot of things has happened since my last post.

Its hard to describe the fragility of life, the vulnerability of it all until it hits you smack in the face. Only then do you realise that perhaps, there have been many things that we took for granted, many thanks we've yet to say, many relationships we've yet to mend, many sorries left unforgiven.

I had a friend who was diagnosed with cancer last nov or so. I guess at that moment it would have been more apt to be call her an acquiantance. Because if i were a friend, I would have found out about it a whole lot earlier, and not in june this year when I did the hair for hope thing. I would have found out a lot earlier and perhaps had been able to spend a little more time with her. She is the same age as me, and also a recent graduate of NUS.

I was told that she was hospitalised and that the cancer had spread to her lungs. Her friends decided to visit her somewhere end september/early october on a weekend. But I wasn't able to make it then. Two weeks later, i gathered the courage, to take some time off and make the trip to Penang. I got her a precious moment figurine, one of the things she sppreciated in life. On that saturday, i visited her in hospital but she didn't want to see anybody nor talk to anyone cause she couldn't speak. All i could do was catch a glimpse of her from afar. Even then I felt embarassed when talking to her mom, as i passed her the gift. She was a shadow of her former self, so different from what i remember her to be. A vivacious and jolly girl always with a smile and a shoulder for others to lean on, and here she was, completely frail and vulnerable.

I went on to visit friends in Penang, went home to perak and also made a stop in KL to visit a friend which didn't really happened. And i went back to Singapore on a wednesday and when i turned my HP on, the first news I got was that she had passed away on Tuesday.

As I walked out the bus stop to the adjoining shopping mall, I saw smiling faces, people walking hand in hand. I heard laughter and I wondered about it all. Didn't anyone realise that one of us was not with us anymore? Did these people understood the fragility of it all, of their existence. Are they all still taking a cavalier outlook on life.

Today, I can only keep with me the memories i've had with her. Of her kindness and compassion and gentle spirit. Her blog is still up in the ether with some of her last jottings, some of her fond memories and her facebook and friendster account remains as a memorial to her, with pictures of her in her better days. At the end of it, she learnt to appreciate the simpler things in life, like a walk on the beach, and watching the sunset. Will I learn to do the same? Life is too short for petty worries and arguments and for bad relationships to linger in the air.

May you rest in peace my friend, and thank you for the memories, and the kindness you've extended to me.

on today

2008-09-08T18:37:00.002+08:00

we interrupt this programme for a special announcement

it's gonna be my birthday in a couple of days!!

now we return to our regular programming.

24 years of existence, what can I say for myself? Nothing much really :p

anyway, I guess i'm a bundle of contradiction. On one hand i would really appreciate it if ppl did remember my birthday. On the other, I believe i shouldn't announce it to the world. and yet again, i feel sorely disappointed when the day comes and goes when I didn't get as many wishes/presents as i'd have hoped

on another note, it's also somewhat similar when it comes to relationships. On one hand it's great to have good personal platonic friendship. on another hand, feelings do grow, and it would be nice to take things to a whole new level. BUT trying to change the current status could lead to more disastrous results such as losing your friend.

should we therefore maintain the status quo, live in a life we're comfortable with, or take the risk to make things potentially better. The thing about risks is tho there are rewards, there will also be the possibility of losing out as well. the safest bet is to remain as it is, unchanging but is that the best solution. Some would say to take some form of calculated risk, that we have proper risk management, but no matter how well you calculate a risk is your risk. I guess the question now becomes, is it something that you can consider losing? i.e. if the risk doesn't work out, are you willing to accept the worse off situation?

for me most of the time the answer is no. and so the status quo remains, that we shall not change anything since we're so comfortable with it. if only there are clearer indicators. like i've wished b4, that people could wear their hearts on their sleeves. and yet, putting our hearts on our sleeves leaves us in a vulnerable position, for others to rip it out. and yet we require trust.

contradictions contradictions contradictions.

i crave companionship.

having lotsa random thoughts, random musings and ideas. I miss having my nightwalks. Perhaps tat's y i enjoy night safari so much. The night walks together with the tranquility of nature. Interesting world we live in, so many people passing by. Wonder what's in their mind. A penny for YOUR thoughts? well we're in sgd, twenty cents for a piece of your mind?

work is fun. getting more interesting, challenging and harrowing. but i still think its fun.

gonna celebrate my bday at work. with the ppl i work with.

on another note, after we enter this new chapter called work, some of my other colleagues are already beginning to pen their new chapter called marriage. quite interesting really. can't imagine it being me. as it is i've not obtained the muse required to pen the chapter. but really interesting. 3 colleagus at least, 2 of similar age. does that mean i'm a late bloomer? maybe that means i'm a failure?

do u remember the times of past, where education seems to determine your status in life. where in school, what matters is not the person who has seen the most, or read the most but rather the person who has the most a's. i've always wondered how that is a true reflection of life. are ppl who are succesful in school succesful in real life? ppl seem to believe it then. but i wonder about it now.

random thoughts random musings random ideas.

i type a lot i realise. one last thing. surgery's gonna be either early nov or in january. chance of death is real. well, all i can say is, i''ve few regrets. and i'm truly grateful and appreciative for all that i've gone through and all that i have. That God has truly blest me in my life. tho there are a few things that i wished were different, these are not within my control.

regards

+cxtreme

New Toy

2008-08-26T21:30:00.003+08:00

hehehehehehe

Chronos

2008-08-15T21:50:00.003+08:00

Time...
time heals all wounds..
time is golden..
time is transient..
time is a figment of imagination..
time bears witness to all..
time once lost can never be regained..

it's been about a month plus since i started work.. but i dont think that anything has changed in anyway. I mean, you hear about people talking about 'chapter's in your life..where you change from being one to being another, but for me it remains pretty much the same. I wear the same clothes as when i was studying and i think i still behave the same. Knowledgeable in some areas, mature in others, while being ignorant and childish when it comes to other aspects of life..things haven't changed at all..

on another note, DNA test results are back. And the results show that we can go ahead with the transplantation pending some other minor tests to be done first. Hmm, thinking about this issue I guess has brought the whole issue of mortality to mind. The surgery, although not very risky can potentially lead to death, as in we're never too sure if everything's gonna go alright. If things go wrong, it could also lead to a lower standard of life for myself. Well I guess this isn't the real issue when it comes to myself. I mean, i've made a commitment and I really want to see it through. Plus i'd do anything to help the little fella, even if it means sacrificing my life.

I remember a story about a kid, who was asked to donate blood his bone marrow to his brother I believe. And after looking fearful for a while, and giving it some thought, the kid said okay. And he told his parents to take care of his brother after he was dead. Being young, he couldn't fully understand the concept of donation, and he thought that by doing the act of donating, he would die after that. And still, he bravely went ahead in the face of death, all for his brother.

I guess for me, even if they would tell me that the chances for mortality is high, i would go ahead and do it. I think i've had quite an interesting life so far, fulfilling to a high degree and with few regrets. But the question would be...if i was faced with death maybe next week, what would I do today? Are there things that i haven't done or haven't said? are there apologies to be made, loose ends to be tied up? Are there things to put in order? And are there wishes to be fulfilled?

i guess words cannot adequately express how i feel right now..

Life Goes On

2008-08-05T22:29:00.004+08:00

You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain - Harvey Dent-

Dark Knight I feel is one of the best movies so far that i've watched. In a sense, it's a 'thinking' movie, something that will make you pause for a moment and ponder the issues. Not to mention Batpod from the Tumbler is way-way cool!!! .

But one thing i've never did figure out was Batman's motivation. The joker, he's simple, he's just maniacal. But Batman, what drives him? He doesn't believe that Gotham isn't evil, or is deeply convinced that it is worth saving, i mean maybe he does but i just don't get that vibe from him. He's a more cynical superhero than that, different from Jonathan Stark of Ironmen who became a hero becuase of the memory of his weapons causing destruction and of his friend in the cave. Superman oozes pure Goodness, so no choice..gotta be the good guy...but Batman, in this dark knigh series, i really can't figure out. Maybe initially it's to impress his gal pal, but then he got so attached to his character. Now it appears to me that catching criminal is more of a sport to Batman, something to be done for fun and entertainment. In that, he is no different and is as maniacal as the Joker, who robs banks for fun. Only difference is perhaps his rules or his code of ethics.

On another front, it is quite sad to see things turn this badly this fast. And no, my reaction would have been the same if it was anybody else, if what they had done had been so obvious and in your face. I wouldn't say that it wasn't unexpected, just the speed and severity of it left me a little dumbfounded. And it did wonders for my self-esteem too but i guess Life goes on... I dont really know how to explain this, but things really aren't what they seem to be, to a certain degree. I really should stop playing mind games..

goodnight

Randy Pausch's Last Lecture and other stuff

2008-07-30T22:25:00.003+08:00

hmm..sometimes it feels like such a chore to blog.. and i wonder whether there are people who actually visits this site. At any rate, the written word serves as a good reminder of things past, of things to come, and of things that will remain. Haha Meyy perhaps you're right, it is the story that becomes the legacy, and as such it is important to chronicle the thoughts and deeds in case this will be the only legacy i leave behind.

A few random thoughts on a few random issue..

1. Randy Pausch's Last Lecture
Randy was a former processor with the Carnegie Mellon University. Former, because he just passed away sometime this week. In the university, there was a series of lectures called the Last lecture, essentially a chance for professors to imagine what the end of their life would be like, and how to impart pearls of wisdom to their protege and students. In Randy's case, the irony of it was that he was truly giving a last lecture. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, having 10 tumors in his liver, and the prognosis then was only about another 3-6 months to live. And he gave this wonderfully superb lecture, which you can find on youtube.

Meyy gave me his book as a graduation gift and I just started reading it about a week ago. And all i can say up to now is that I've been completely awed by his tenacity, his zest and his drive for life, and how his life lesson's truly are applicable to all. One quote that i'll like to put here ,which i think wil be relevant to me in the next few months is this "When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you." Sometimes a little bit of scolding goes a long way, and it's not because the person has a grudge against you, instead he is only interested in you going far i.e. the person has not given up on you.

There are plenty of other gems in the book. I like how Randy as an individual basically chased after his dream, and such a dreamer was he. He was willing to take risks, to let everything go , just in order to obtain his dreams, something which I think will be hard for me personally to do..if you have the time, do watch the video, and if you want to experience his words like I did, i would gladly lend you the book. A little bit like Tuesday's with Morrie but i think for me personally, it's much more impactful and relevant.

2. Rubik Cube
Hmm I think all of you should be familiar with the Rubik cube....I was toying with one some moments ago, and a few observations entered my thought (i've never been able to solve a rubik cube)

a. What might seem impossible is actually quite possible.
Well to all us normal average sentient beings not blessed with tremendous intelligence and have not been able to solve a rubik cube in our lives, sometimes it would seem that the cube is just one impossible problem. Can it really be solved? is it for real? maybe it's just a trick to cheat people, u know maybe they mixed up the colour on purpose and there is no real solution. Well when i was young, that was what entered my mind, and that's what caused me to give up on the cube, proclaiming it as simply impossible. Truth of the matter is, it isn't impossible. When the cube is new, all the colours on each face is the same, there isn't any trick to it...simply put, when you turn things around and mess it all over the place, you should be able to turn it back.
Thus an impossible problem actually isn't impossible at all...but anyway, i wont bother to attempt the cube cause i'm not too interested in it (i have Attention deficit disorder i think..hehe)

b. Sometimes things doesn't happen as you want them to
haha okay, so the cube was nicely fixed, all colours on the right face. Being the brat that I am..i wanted to make it a bit more tougher for my brother to solve the puzzle. I wanted to have each of the 9 boxes on each face to be of a different colour... but the more and more i tried, it looks as if i was m ore closer to solving the puzzle than messing it up. Haha i guess the lesson here is that sometimes things just happen, and we shoudln't try too hard. And sometimes we shouldn't want things so badly, that it has the potential to affect us in a negative manner (this will be quite hard for me in certain areas). If not we'll all end up like whiny spoilt brat.

c. Make sure the things that you want to do is possible
okay on the converse of my impossible is possible, make sure that the possible is not impossible. Like i said earlier, i wanted each of the 9 squares to have a different colour on a single face. I was trying very very hard to get 9 different colours on one face, but all the time, I ended up with 2 or 3 squares having the same colour. I forgot, that there are 6 faces on a cube, and thus it is utterly impossible to get 9 colours on a single face, talk about achieving the impossible. Whenever you're doing something, know your limitations, know what you're doing, and know what is possible and impossible.

3. Hair for Hope
well what can I say, a picture says a thousand words and there are plenty in the earlier posts. Enough pictures to make you rich if I would ever become the prime minister, the president or some rock star. You could either a) blackmail me with those pictures, b) sell them to the press or c) do both and end up living a very comfortable life. haha. It's been 20 days since the event and i've got a bit of hair back. I look more like a monk now...and well to be honest i dont quite like this hairless or short hair look. I'm guesssing it'll take me around 2 more months or so for my hair to go back to a length i'm comfortable with. But what the heck, it was for a good cause although it was somewhat traumatizing. I remember sitting on that chair, and seeing the hairdresser pull out clumps and clumps of hair..OH GOSH!!!. Proud of what i did? Certainly. Like my 'new' hairstyle? Certainly not! Do it again next year? only if my donations hit 5k...hehehe shall not announce this to the world. But it goes to show, if we have so much issue with thte hair, what more the kids afflicted with cancer who have more of an inferiority complex, especially when they have to deal with tactless peers.

4. Work
I haven't talked much abnout work yet, just started less than a month ago. But basically this is my work place

I work in the World's Busiest Port! Wow what a statement to make... (as a janitor) haha kidding. but yea that's where I work. Most days, when I'm allowed to go out and play in the yard, I feel like i'm a little kid again playing with all these gigantous monstrous machines and they are really, really cool! Pity that due to security reasons i cant bring ppl around to tour the place. it would be really really cool to show this place to friends and family.
Got a wonderful bunch of colleague that i work with ( have to write this,, at least ONE of them reads this blog, yes YOU! hehehe) but at the moment things are still pretty slow on the work front. We're LIABILITIES to the company (for those who want a refresher in accounting , asset + liability = equity, you want more asset and you want to get rid of liability) and hopefully our liability status will be converted to asset status in a few months time (asset = get more scolding) haha..basically it's still a honeymoon period where we're being exposed to the work environment etc before they let us plunge into the deep end. I'm waiting to see how things will turn out for me and for everyone else here. Exciting times ahead certainly...maybe in another post i'll tell you y i chose this job instead of joining some other MNC, or becoming an investrment banker, or personal banker, or gigolo boy (as if) haha...when i was offered the job, i signed on almost immediately :p (that is how strongly i felt for the company)

till next time...goodnight

The aftermath

2008-07-13T17:37:00.011+08:00

Slightly photo intensive page...

the aftermath of hair for hope 2008

donations so far 4154 and rising...

posing with all the mei nu's that came and support me that day

having a chat with the hairdresser (begging her for mercy) she's kinda cute no?

and so we begin...

halfway through the process...i might try this hair style one day...

chilling out after the event's over...and trying not to think about it :p i think i look like raja petra hehe

found a girl who daringly did the same thing...grabbed her to take this pic :p

at the end of my convocation ceremony with my parents

A short one - The aftermath

2008-07-07T23:07:00.002+08:00

well..here's just a short update

July 1st - Start new job (Done)
July 6th - Hair for Hope (Done)
July 7th - Graduation (Done)

some picture appetisers before the main course comes along and makes u lose ur meal :p plus i'm a bit tired so more detailed updates on job, convocation and hair for hope later... gotta report back to work tomorrow...

Hair for Hope 2008

2008-07-06T23:21:00.000+08:00

I was thinking that there are very few people who bother to read what i write and thus I shouldn't make the effort to write. Nevertheless, I owe it to these very few people to write my thoughts out, even if at the end of the day there is only 1, 1 is much more than 0. So thank you to all of you who are frequenting this site, especially those of you who were here since the beginning.

Hair for Hope is a project initiated in Singapore. I've been giving it a bit more thought these few days especially as the looming dateline draws near. The actual event will take place on 6th of July 2008 from 12pm to 7pm while the slot where i'll be shaven bald is supposed to take place at 2.30pm

I guess some of you must be wondering what made me take this drastic step. Especially my mom who is at the moment thinks i'm crazy enough to go bald..especially 1 day b4 my graduation ceremony. This has been something that i've wanted to do for a while, having wanted to join the previous events last year and the year before that but not having the courage to do so. That and more often than not, the dateline has passed when i realised about the event. This year, i chanced upon the poster early and immediately went to check it out. Of course i pondered over the decision on whether to do it, i guess for a few days as i still didn't have the guts to do it.

At that time, it was more of trying out something new (i've never been bald before) or simply trying to act a little heroic by doing something others wont do (my fren ms sam will attest to this hero complex within me). However, I have to admit here, that I am getting a little bit of cold feet trying to imagine what it'll be like for me to be bald... especially since now that D-day is at hand. This was especially so when i sat in the volunteers briefing, and saw my other compatriots with me, that i realise that there's no turning back, that what started of as a dare or a challenge is now taking place...that maybe..i dont want to be bald!, that i'll be laughed at!

Self esteem has never been my strong point throughout all these years. I'm always wary of how i look like although a strong pretense might make others think that i'm actually not aware. Having been on the obese side when i was younger (and now as well) i've suffered endless tauntings and pinchings, and teasings, which made me even more sensitive to the situation. The confident individual, poised up on the stage to deliver a speech or rebut a point, that many people know of, is more of an act i would say, one of the many masks i wear. As such, i'm never confident of how i look nor feel confident about myself which is why i started to doubt myself with this shaving thing. I mean..going bald? never in my life would i have thought that! not even when the government almost made it compulsory back in secondary school...and here i've already signed on for it. maybe it isn't too late to just disappear, pretend that it didn't happen.

However, as the night wore on through the briefing, a different realization dawned upon me and i began to take strength and courage from others, especially the cancer kids (or children with cancer) They weren't there but their stories certainly did inspire me.

Childhood cancer, is different from adult cancer whereby it is not the fault of the child that s/he is afflicted with the disease. Through some cosmic imbalance or wonder, the child is born and later on develop cancerous cells that rampage and ravage through the body. The child does not torture his lungs with black acid smoke from a cigarette, neither does he burden his liver with tons of alcohol in binge drinking. Yet, unlike an adult who calls upon himself the disease, the child is afflicted all at once through no fault of his. What is sad is that a number of these children will not be able to go through their teenage years while if they survive, side effects will still linger on. These disease such as leukemia, neuroblastoma etc does not discriminate and can happen to anyone.

While i worried about the shame and humiliation i might have to endure by going bald, or reflect on the tauntings i had as a child, someone spoke of the bullying and mental agony that this children will go through. EVen as adults, be we male or female, we shun the thought of being hairless or ball although we're too polite to say so. But then what about the children? imagine, after all the radiotherapy and chemotherapy, the child will be without eyelashes or eyebrows and even hair. What will happen when this child goes back to school? or to society? many other children will stare and taunt him, and tease him calling him a freak and such. I think at the end of the day this is one of the reasons why i'm doing it. To tell the child, that although it may be embarassing, it is no big deal, that people who say such things are stupid and ignorant in the first place, that the child, having had the courage to go through this series of treatment, is far braver than others who go through normal lives, that these child have a heart far stronger and more beautiful than others. And through this, i've taken courage. I only hope that what I've done can make a difference and hopefully we're closer towards eradicating cancer from this world.

I'm not here to ask for donation, as i'm doing this for myself, absorbing the strength from these children. However, if you feel compelled to donate towards the cause, the website is at http://ccf.org.sg/hfh with my own personal profile at http://www.ccf.org.sg/hfh/webApp/shaveeBIO.php?shaveeId=392 . Any donation done on or before july 2nd will be matched by my brother Kenneth, while all credit card commision charges will be born by totalisator board so your entire donation will go towards the foundation. The foundation itself is involved in programs such as therapeutic play where children coming for treatment can play in the centres which are located within the hospital. This is to give an impression to the children that hospitals are not only about needles and drugs, but is a place where play happens as well, so that they are not traumatised about it. Likewise, the foundation offers bereavement services to the families of our little friends who God found to be more precious and more needed in heaven. The foundation has also confirmed that at least 86% of funds collected will go towards the beneficiary, with the remainder being used for administration cost.

I think that's all I have to say for now..thank you for reading.

sad

2008-02-26T18:04:00.001+08:00

i feel sad...dejetected...defeated...disappointed...

A little Quote

2008-02-05T09:57:00.000+08:00

As for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence... When the best leader's work is done, the people say, "We did it ourselves"

-Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher-

This is a concept that i hold close to heart. Being a leader is not to achieve success for oneself or to further ones mean. Being a leader is being the ultimate servant to the group, that you are accountable to the group's performance and the members within it.

Random thoughts

2008-01-03T23:51:00.000+08:00

some random thoughts going through my mind...not entirely positive though..

1. Sex scandal in Malaysia
seems weird that the focus on the sex scandal is from the aspect of intrusion of privacy although i agree that this is a pertinent issue in that each individual have the right to privacy. But then what about the action of the person involve who will lead to the destruction of lifes and happiness?

Also wat about the aspect of them watching pornography on a laptop, 2 main issues here which are piracy and pornography, both illegal in the country. So the man is guilty of 2 counts while the third is his personal business

i have nothing against him, just wondering how things are taken in different context.

on that note, adultery seems to be the norm today that somehow or other it appears to be expected even in our eastern culture. look at the agony aunt columns of triangular relationships etc. what is wrong and right? how is it taht a promise made on the day of the wedding can be broken so rampantly and easily for something that is miscontrued as love. please call it lust and not love because if you truly love the person, it can be demonstrated in many other ways and does not need to involve sex.

2. Money is everything. It would appear to be so...money comes first now, everything else is secondary. Go to a hospital, you have to pass over your credit card or insurance or whatever to make sure that you're able to pay the bills. Something interesting, money i.e. the sense of wealth does not only affect 'modern , civilized' society. I was watching a nat geo documentary on one of the tribal groups in papua new guinea, and brotherhood was almost broken just for the sake of money ( in their case, it was kaori shells whcih is a symbol of wealth). Interesting aint it, that a society that values communal living so greatly can be broken up by money. Truly is a sad sad world we live in today. Is money important to me? i hope not but i find that i'm slowly being swayed by society. Hard to play the rebellious anti-societal person that i wanna be.. i'm turning into a lemming. temporary satisfaction/gratiation?

3. Life. Vicious cycle. What is the purpose? why do we work? What is happiness, contentment, satisfaction? Big questions, but important issues to address. I dont have the answers but i dont like what i see. It really does feel like a vicious cycle, each day, we work to survive, and while we survive the only thing we ever do is work. There is no satisfaction, as everything is a chore. We see no purpose. How inefficient the world is.. try and imagine, how many layers of people are there in for example manufacturing, from making the item to selling the item to the item finally reaching its end consumers. What about the other administrative support team? marketeers? financial officers? things are getting too complex. Back to the vicious cycle. What are we working for? to survive.And what are we surviving for? I haven't gotten the answer to that yet.

4. Desperation. Not quite.. although at times, i feel something's lacking. But that's not the right reason. in fact it's a very very wrong reason. People are not objects. remember that.. especially when all around, people are doing pda... in a way feels like an orphan that's lacking something. but that's not reality, it's just emotions.

5. Her. Perhaps part of the reason.. she says she's not good enough, but i feel that i'm the one that's not good enough. i dont understand the reason.. i dont understand the draw.. looks? forget it. but it's difficult. but it's definitely futile. time wasted perhaps. perhaps not. confusion reigns supreme. perhaps delusion should be the right term instead. bottomless pit.

6. Wise one. God is good and gracious. miracles upon miracles. Roller coasters, challenges, tribulations, solutions. Happiness and joy. Reminds me of the innocence of a child...the happiness they experience tho fleeting, but is immense. on the other hand, the pain and suffering is heartwrenching.

7. Others. Not so lucky, not so privileged to have the opportunity. Again, the little joy that happens. What can we do? We are one and they are many? Communism. Ideal goals, can we strive for something like that? but mankind is selfish. Always has been, always will be.

Just When I thought I was over you...

2007-09-11T22:15:00.001+08:00

Here I am playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep taunting me

Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside

So there's no sense pretending
My heart it's not mending

(Chorus)
Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh, baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you

On my own I've tried to make the best of it alone
I've done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain

I just can't live without you
I miss everything about you

(Chorus)
Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without
Go on without
It's just no good without you

Without you, without you, without you
Oh baby, those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without, you

~air supply~

Swan Song

2006-07-27T22:49:00.000+08:00

swan song
n.

1. A farewell or final appearance, action, or work.
2. The beautiful legendary song sung only once by a swan in its lifetime, as it is dying.

[From the belief that the swan sings as it dies.]

hmm some of you who have talked to me earlier, i would have mentioned that i would be writing my swan song post pretty soon... however, i have a few thoughts that i'd like to share..so this particular post might get a bit long and draggy. doesn't matter tho, cause for now, this will be my last post...

a blog has always been interesting...in a way it is like a public diary. and therein lies the oxymoron..a diary is supposed to be something secret and yet a blog is open to the world. in fact some even write posts for the world..i know sometimes i'm like that, wanting my posts to generate comments, to see what ppl think of me...and yet at other times, i feel that some of the issues that i write on are too sensitive to be put for public viewing...whatever it is, perhaps this blog has revealed a side of me...a vulnerability...perhaps i've worn my heart on my sleeve for too long. i feel now that the hidden comforts of my shells are more c..omfortable from the prying eyes of the world..safe from predator and harm...although there isn't the warmth of the sunshine. for now i'm just gonna be retreating from the blogosphere....maybe one day i will return. i will still put up my writings tho..poems and stuff on my frenster blog..

in this final installment, i would like to share my thoughts on certain issues..

a lot of things has been going on in the malaysian government lately. i'll just put this bluntly...i feel that the malaysian politicians are idiots, and the government has no resolve.
like parents disciplining a child the main issue that needs to be addressed is consistency, and discipline. if you're always giving in to the child, your child will know how to push your buttons. when you say that they will be punished, make sure they are punished. i'm talking about our government not being able to make decisions and standing by them. i honestly feel that they're weak...examples abound like extension of datelines, or the recent withdrawal with regards to the bridge. how is it then that ppl who are law abiding citizens, who are well managed, punctual are punished instead, rather than the other majority of malaysians who procastinate too often.
on the issue of politicians, what's the point of us electing ppl to parliament when all they do is become yes man to the ruling party. i really do not understand the idea of the whip, of not being able to vote to your conscience or your constituency's concern but instead having to vote along party lines...well then u dun need the yb's at all....and really some yb's are quite useless "y do i need a slk when my wife already has one..i want an slk" blardy politicians covering their interest alone. where has the principles of protecting yhour ppl, of taking care of their welfare gone. a politician is tghe highest ranking servants of the ppl!which is y i will never be a politician...but it is really sad that the fate of our countries lie in the hands of these idiots.

hmm

different issue..

ever wonder why is it that soap operas are such compelling watch? why day after day people are glued to the tv, trying to wonder what other badluck will befall the protagonist of the serial? well i guess its becuase soap opera are quite realistic... that they compel ppl to relate to it, that it's very much possible for things such as that to happen to their own life. in the same way how reality tv attracts the attention of others, so do soap operas.
in a way, although i'm only 22 i feel that my life can be quite a soap opera already...many things have happened, known and unknown. many things have happened to the people around me...

one of the most impactful event was the birth of my cousin. a lovely boy born on christmas day...he was born with a rare congenital disease called maple syrup urine disease (msud)...go google it if u wanna find out more about it..hmm realy it made me realise that there are no certainties in life...that suddenly, everything can change just like that...it's only the second time that i saw grown man cry....really a heart wrenching situation. thankfully, the baby named Sage is doing quite well now, conditions are pretty much stabilise and he's pretty much a bubbly boy. early pics of him can be found at http://wise-one.blogspot.com

what was really sad tho, was when sage was in the paediatric ICU. during the earlier months of this year i spent quite a large amount of time there...and it really was very very depressing and sad. all the rooms were filled with young children, all hooked up to tubes and machines. parents sitting by their bedsides..nurses on constant watch. and these children, they truly were innocent, some were babies..just newborn..others a little older, perhaps 7 or 8 years old. most would have been there since they were babies, becoming very familiar with the hospital environment, that to them a needle prick to draw blood becomes a daily routine, that the only rhythm they hear is that of the machines. during that time also, i saw one child go. she couldn't be saved anymore...they have been fighting for her life for 10 years...but finally it was time to let go...perhaps for the better, a better world where there is no more suffering. really, why do these children have to endure these pain? why is it that criminals roam free but innocent children are burdened by something they can't understand?i reallyt have no answer to this...but only a greater appreciation of life.really sad, the children in the picu..

in fact around the world, there are many more people who are faced with much dire condition than us. children born with congenital diseases, young children suffering from cancer tho they've never smoked, drink liquor, had promiscous lifes etc....please say a prayer for them...and help them out if you can.

i know i've mentioned this b4 but i'd like to reiterate it again....my dying wishes would be dat whatever is left of me be fully utilised to help whoever possible. i opt to be an organ donor, that someone else might have the possibility of a better life just in case i dont make it.i've already signed up with the bone marrow bank in case someone else in the world needs my marrow.

whatever it is, accept each day with gratitude and thanks giving. and while we revel in the blessings of our lives...pay a thought to the less fortunate. it doesn't take a lot to help the others

signing off..
kelvin...
till the next time

Angel

2006-06-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

something which i think most of you would have read...put this up on my frenster blog not too long ago

Have you ever wondered,

What an angel is like,

With porcelain cheeks,

And oustretched wings?

Have you ever wondered,

what an angel is like,

Her radiant smile,

That brightens up your day?

Have you ever wondered

what an angel is like

The tender touch,

That hearty laugh

Have you ever wondered

what an angel is like

Those beautiful eyes

A window to the soul

Have you ever wondered

what an angel is like,

Her heart so warm

So full of life..

I have often wondered...

But i wonder no more...

For now i know..

what an angel is like..

for an angel is like you....

Thanks...

okay okay...

2006-06-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

okay okay....so the two friends of mine...ms teo and ms sam...thinks that my posts are depressing...and as ms sam puts it...tragic romantic..wahtever that means,,,

haha they have also persistently mentioned that i sound very desperate from my post...

so here's soemthing different...not original tho.,..go figure.,..

(btw this is one of my favourite songs)

so much in love

as we stroll along together
holding hands walking all along
so in love are we two
that we don't know what to do
so in love (so in love)
in a world of our own (so in love)
as we walk by the sea together
under stars twinkling high above
so in love are we two
no one else but me and you
so in love (so in love)
so much in love (so in love)
so in love (so in love)
so much in love (so in love)

we stroll along together
i tell you, i need you oh so much
i love, i love you my darling
can you tell it in my touch

as we walk down the aisle together
we will vow to be together till we die
so in love are we two
just can't wait to say i do
so in love (so in love)
in a world of our own
(so in love) so in love
(so in love) are you and i
(so in love)
baby, i hope you realize
that you mean so much to me(that u mean, that u mean so much)
you're everything i ever wanted in a woman(your everthang,everthang,everthang,)
touch to feel your body close to me(I love, I love u my darlin)
and i just want to hold you in my arms forever
can you tell it in my touch

Just the other night

2006-06-07T23:29:00.000+08:00

Just the other night..
when everything seemed so right..
the stars were shining bright
bathing us in celestial light..

Just the other night..
we were walking hand in hand
and i couldn't understand
just what it all meant..

just the other night..
you were safely in my arms..
do let me be your strength
protecting you from harm..

just the other night..
all my dreams came true..
by the waters shimmering blue..
and it's all becuase of you..

now everything's a bore..
every little work a chore..
ever since you've gone away..
there hasn't been a single day

that

i wished it would be..
just the other night once more...

thank you....

A month's been gone...

2006-05-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

hmm quite an interesting trend looking at my blog posting. Notice how for the year 2006 there's been an average of a post a month except in the month of april when there's suddenly 5 posts a month? Hmm what made april so special? haha now i remember exams!!!

well it's been a month since then and there's a lot of things that i'd like to write about and a lot of things has happened since...

so depending on how things turn out...this might be a very long post....or a short one for that matter

some things i wanna talk aobut

1. why malaysian politican sucks and y i'm never gonna join politics
2. my internship at the moment
3. views on life
4. post mortem of my exams

hmm think will end now....no mood to write...hahahahaha

I am pissed...sigh

2006-04-26T20:41:00.000+08:00

i dont know wha'ts gotten over me....that i don't read the questions properly..and miss out important elements during the exams in not one but 2 questions!! out of a 4 question paper....

and this was the very paper that iw as working quite a bit on...hoping to score...i din't do well not becuase i could'nt do it (okay maybe wat i did wasn't very right either)..but becuase of my own stupid mistake of not reading the questions properly.

pessimistic estimate c+
optimistic estimate b+ (wanted an a- at least)

lets' see wats the results in a few months time

My living will...part 1

2006-04-20T00:39:00.000+08:00

okay okay..so i'm having this conversation with my friend Jun King...and its freaked me out enough that i'm gonna write my living will so that in the event i die tomorrow...you guys will know what to do...this living will doesn't so much consists of material assets but more of what i want to do with my body...the only thing i came into the earth with.

as for the material assets, i will it to my family...leaving them to decide wawt to do with it (a trust fund in my name would be good :p hahaha)

anyway...as for me

life support = if necessary and if there is hope of surviving...dont' pull the plug on me prematurely
organ donation = by all means...yes...id' still like to feel useful even when i'm dead...as it is i try to donate blood regularly

i thought of donating my body to science...but then..after looking at wat some med student do to cadavers..and the fact that my body might be sold to some other ppl by the science group etc...at this moment i'm AGAINST giving my body to science. I might review this in the future...so if Jun King ever appears at my funeral and insists that i said i wanted to donate the body to science (bear in mind he gets paid 2k pouinds for every body)....NO!!!..haha

as for my funeral..
i still wanna be cremated...and like i wrote previously...for every year of my life..there ought to be one minute of fireworks...oh yea...mix my ashes into the fireworks..and blast me over a sea..from a cliff preferably :p and party y'all...

yea..thats bout it for now...sorry bout the morbid thoughts...

kelvin :p
and i ain't jokin

The Story of Sweety

2006-04-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

There was once a little dog,
the cutest dog of all,
she was oak brown in colour,
but she looked oh so special,
she had a white tipped tail, like it was dip in paint,
and a natural white collar..
she had four white feet,
like she was wearing socks, looking very sweet

sweety was a mongrel..
but even then, she was a very intelligent one..
she would scurry around the house all day..
and at night, jump into her owner's bed..

i guess she knew who her owner was...
cause it certainly wasn't me...
and somehow in the morning...
on my side of the bed there would be pee...

but she was quick to learn..
of the ways of the house...
soon our respect she earned..
she's so cute...she looked like a mouse (really)...

outside she would play..
in that little lawn at the side of the house..
running, jumping scampering about...
digging rabbit holes and chasing butterflies...
oh yea...she would bury bones too...
and later take them out... (i've never seen any other dog do this)

such a joy to behold...
a true companion to the man..
but little did we know..
her company was soon to end...

you see, the neighbours started whispering..
about the little cute white legs that she had...
they all started saying...
that sweety was bad luck to be had...

the cute white legs it would seem
symbolises the bereaved of the deceased...
in mourning they would be..
deck in white socks as they grieve..

the mistress heard the story and started to fear..
the master was transferred to a department not so near...
the mistress wonder bout the truth in all she heard..
wats worst the young master had a major examination just that year..

and so it was decided...
that sweety was indeed unlucky..
due to chinese superstition, her life was altered..
she was returned, but she wasn't so lucky..

-in memory of Sweety (2001)-

this is a true story....a story that i still remember till this day. I can't believe that lives could be affected just because of stupid superstition....she was the cutest of dogs...i still have her picture in my desktop..maybe one day i will put it up... to equate all the luck or fate that a family goes through to an innocent little animal...such unjustness.

Anyway the irony of it...was that..the master enjoyed his new position though he din't like it at first... and the young master...he did decently for his exams scoring 11a1 and 1b3...it would seem that the dog was a bringer of good luck instead...but due to the myopic viewpoints of humans...well..wat can i say...

i spent a week arguing the case to no avail...only to come home one day and realised she was gone. When i wanted to see her again after my exams....i was told that she passed away barely a week after she was given to a new owner.

Was it neglect by the new owner? or could she have been heartbroken? either way, we are all guilty of our actions....

hmm

2006-04-08T02:28:00.000+08:00

Fool me once, shame on you ;
Fool me twice, shame on me...

(let's see whether i'm fooled)

hmm..dont' really know what to write about...haha mind can't think of any relevant or important things to say...just taht i've realised i've not written anything here for quite some time.

anyway..it's that time of the year again....or that time of the semester...when people start counting down, when libraries starts getting fuller..when suddenly, the campus is turned into a sanctuary of zombies....who prowl the streets at night (or this case the open areas) and are concussed in the day (well normal university routine...just that now they do it in uni instead of at home)...As for me, i've just finished my first module earlier in the day today..... one more will be completed on tuesday...and the remaining 4 during examination week. My exam schedule begins on the 24th of april till the 2nd of may...quite evenly spaced out between papers.

i guess at the moment i have finally more or less found a goal that i can work towards. not too sure whether it's achievable though...i plan to graduate with a 4.0 minimum cap...for a second upper degree...hehe...or maybe not graduate..cause if i get 4.0 i can choose to extend into Msc in management (totally unrelated) or go straight into Phd for engineering...hmm...Dr. Kelvin Lim...kinda like the sound of that..hehehehe...so yea..i've set the goal...and i sure hope i can achieve it...it's not tough..but it won't b easy eitherlooking at the amount of classes i've skipped so far. At the moment i'm hoping for an a- average for this exam..but i guess reality will throw in a couple of b's...hopefully no c's if not my effort would have come to naught (wait a second...what effort?..hehehehe 0=) )

i've also set out several things to accomplish before i graduate.....one..to join legs n paddles (5km run 3km kayak) competition as a participant....two to get fitter not fatter...maybe get a bit more muscles?hahaha

on relationship front...nothing is materialising...the water looks calm...perhaps i am destined to be a monk hehe...well we'll see how lar....i dun wanna set any targets on this due to the extremely high disappointment possibility.

and yea...i miss my old school....hahahaha..i wonder wehther anyone still remembers me from there...hehe

*20 yrs from now i'm gonna bring my kid to the school hall...point at the wal and say...taht's me...and that as well...oh that one too.... :p)

and yea..i'll be starting internship....working with the institute of microelectronic...kinda cool..it's a bioengineering project to study cancer and malarial cells....will be working on nano scale and micro scale! dat's damn cool!!! hopefully i don't cause the machines to break down :p haha..and this is totally relevant (i think) to my course fo study...rather than doing internship as an office boy or watever...

In the silence of the night..

2006-04-06T03:39:00.000+08:00

In the silence of the night..
My mind wanders...
And there i find company...
In the thoughts of you

2006-03-20T18:02:00.000+08:00

hehe..i just had to put this up..extremely true!!! btw i'm not obnoxious enough to generate this myself :p (make sure u've not had ur dinner yet in case u puke everything out)

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Kelvin!

There are now more than 4000 satellites orbiting kelvin!
Kelvin is actually a mammal, not a fish.
It takes a lobster approximately 7 years to grow to be kelvin!
In Japan it is considered rude to talk with kelvin in your mouth!
There are 336 dimples on kelvin!
The ace of spades in a playing card deck symbolizes kelvin.
If you toss kelvin 10000 times, he will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because his head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom!
Kelvin can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.
New Zealand was the first place to allow kelvin to vote.
Edinburgh imports three thousand kilograms of kelvin every year.

1. i was right all along! i am the centre of the universe...orde kosmos!...the 4000 satelites are the 4000 planets taht orbit me!
2.yup..definite mammal...sea mammal...water mammal...as long as it's not mamaries :p
3.all hail Kelvin!!!...IT TAKES A LOBSTER 7 years....he's fast...Kelvin hasn't grown into Kelvin yet even after 22 years :p
4. yea...dun ever talk with KELVIN in your mouth....but in Japan, Kelvin fits in real well with his slitty eyes :p wat to do..mata sepet
5. 336 dimples on kelvin....hmm...a golf ball has 330 dimples..does that make kelvin a golf ball? btw i heard ppl say dimplese are cute...so Kelvin epitomises Cuteness!!!
6. wahahaha...totally it..Alpha Primus...Numero Uno! THat's Me!!!
7. Kelvin's head weighs more and thus end up on the bottom.....head on the bottom...hmm...
8. woohoo!! errm..dun try this though...but i've heard a cockroach can do the same for a day :p hahaha.....beware...decapitate me..and i'll haunt u...for the next 20 seconds..haha..lynn : still hearing howling outside ur window?
9. Go NZ!!! Go wEllington auckland rotorua sitiawan..err..oops :p
10. tHis..i have totally no comment to....

hehe totally cool man!

wah i couldn't help myself..so i did it again
check it out dudes!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Kelvin lim!

Three seagulls flying overhead are a warning that kelvin lim is near.
Donald Duck's middle name is kelvin lim.
Devoid of his cells and proteins, kelvin lim has the same chemical makeup as sea water.
Scientists believe that kelvin lim began billions of years ago as an enormous ball of dust and gas.
During World War II, Americans tried to train kelvin lim to drop bombs!
It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at kelvin lim.
It is bad luck to walk under kelvin lim.
Baskin Robbins once made kelvin lim flavoured ice cream!
In the Spanish edition of Cluedo, kelvin lim is the victim!
Kelvin lim is the largest of Saturn's moons!

A clean desk

2006-02-26T14:55:00.000+08:00

As they say....a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind :p let me bring u a tour of the places and spaces i spend my time in...

Here's an overview of my desk...hhehe..and my bookshelf....this is on one of the better days..when you can actually see the desk :p

Close up view of the desk in question :p

Hmm...here's my bed.....there's a poster above my pillow which has a saying perverted from that of GB Shaw...."Some ppl see things as they are and ask why. other's see things that never were and ask why not."....between the bed and the desk is a chasm...where i place my guitar..and racquets

a view of my bed again...the other poster on the wall is one of favourites...its message is pretty simple " i wept because i had no shoes..until i saw a man who had no feet" hehe i think i've wrote about it a coupla times int his blog....

my sax. shuttle cock and other unidentified objects hiding under the bed..h.ehe

Here's my closet...with another two posterser on it...first one with the picture of a sail boat says " a smooth sea never make a skilful sailor" kinda like it..cause i'm a sailor..haha and it teaches u that u need to have challenges and obstacle in your life to progreses...the other is a poem entitled don't quit.....on the walls are more poem. one is entitled regret...about love lost which you can find on my frenster profile...then there's "His Gifts" bout God's blessing upon us..and the last one..not sure what's the title..but it's a reminder of what fair weathered friends are like......and how in the end, our lives depends on us alone...

close up viewe of my now defunct tag board...the transparent plastic thing are trophies that i won during a recent regatta...hehe..the purple thing is a pen holder in the shape of a mouse..since i'm a mouse myself...the tagboard has got cards, wishes from others, more poetic stuff..haha but can't use it now since i moved my cpu to my table ...it blocks most of the tagboard away...eh..btw..keep this boat's tagboard alive leh....wait the chatterbox shut down only know..haha

view from outside my door...big balcony where we have our bbq's n stuff like that

well thats all guys...tour of one half of E414 Eusoff Hall..hehe..one half cause the other half belongs to my roommate :p on the walls are my doortags...basically to represent the groups that i'm involved in :p

feel free to drop me mail anytime

Kelvin Lim
10 Kent Ridge Drive
E414 Eusoff Hall
Singapore 119242

The Burden of life

2006-01-26T02:06:00.000+08:00

What is the reason of life? What role do we play in this great big cosmos? Where do we live our imprint in the sand?

Do we live our lives for ourselves? Or do we live it for others...

I believe that that is the burden of life....the weight that we carry. We are here not to live life for ourselves, but our lives are for others. We are here not for self gratification but to help other people out, and to make society and community somewhat better, to be self sacrificial, the sacrificial lamb. From the day of birth, we should be living for others, it's really quite a hard idea to convey but the crux of it is simply that we were born for others. We live to bring joy to our parents, to make them proud of us. We live to help the less fortunate. We live to provide companionship, friendship and a shoulder to friends.

Perhaps there is a reason why i was brought into this world
Perhaps there is a reason for my existence
Perhaps there is a reason why i am here
Perhaps there is a reason why i ended up in NUS instead of NTU, tho the latter had a much better offer and choice.
and that reason, i guess, is you.

i am here to make a difference...

the thorn in the hand
through some bad luck, or some clumsiness of mine, i had a piece of splinter in my fingers. and somehow or other while looking at the splinter, and trying to remove it, it started to remind me of something that happened in the past.
During one of my courses in OBS, i had to take care of a group of 12 year olds. Noisy, rebellious, naughty, stubborn, hyper and irresponsible were some of the adjectives i'd use to describe them. Eventhough they were 12, i felt like taking soap water and washing their mouth out becuase of all the vulgarities that they were spewing out. not only that, their short attention span meant that they didn't pay attention when we were giving safety briefing which was of perennial importance. i remember asking permission to 'talk' to them from my instructor (i was merely an assistant then, an underling) and i remembered scolding them..or rather talking 'nicely' to them after dinner. i remember the one good person in that group starting to cry even before i had scolded them because she knew i was unhappy...and she thought it was her fault.

then we went out on an expedition. what waws initially a 4 hour expedition turned out to be a 9 hour trek in the jungle as we got lost. however what amazed me was that throughout the 9 h ours, no one complaint. nobody blamed their friends for getting them lost. no one blamed the instructor or me becuase they were lost. instead, everybody took it in good cheer. i remember trekking up and down a hill, going through the same path more than once. what i remember most was one of the path had pokok salak all over (salak trees are like palm trees with thorns on their branches and everywhere else). i remember the ground being slippery and muddy, and some of us fell on our way down. i remember all of my participants trying ahrd to keep their balance and in doing so, grabbed the brances and had inch long thorns stabbed into their palms. but throughout this ordeal, i remembered most their bravery, 12 year old children, braving the pain, taking it in their stride.

it was by luck that we finally managed to find our way out. at that time it was already evening and the sun was setting. other instructors helped to prepare dinner for us. and throughout the night, i remember helping to remove the thorns from their hands, a painfujl procedure but they just gritted their teeth and carried on. some even had thorns in their stomach.

in the end, that was one of the best group of participants that i had....that adversity had made us stronger and had united us instead of breaking us apart..

To have knowledge, or to be ignorant

2006-01-10T01:13:00.000+08:00

This was what was going through my mind this afternoon...whether it was better to be iangnorant, or to know what is going on? Some say ignorances is bliss, while others say knowledge is power. How then if the knowledge makes you weak, but being ignorant makes you poor..i.e. you lose out on something?

To have knowledge? or to be ignorant? the choice has already been made for me and it's not good..

Merry Christmas

2005-12-27T22:06:00.000+08:00

A picture of serenity,
a gift from above,
a heart of purity,
peaceful as a dove

While the world is in turmoil
While brothers fight
While disasters ravage
You slept through the night

A heart that knows no evil
A mind that is innocent
Eyes that has seen no misdeeds
Still blissfully ignorant

Your name means wise
And wise you will be
Wisdom will be your hallmark
and knowledge your company

i pray that you will grow
to be strong and brave
that you will keep your innocence
until you are in your grave

though the world is filled
with pain and suffering
through it all you will endure
and joy will be forthcoming

as the world celebrates
the yuletide festivities
we welcome you into our arms
the latest member of the family.

'Twas the night before Christmas

2005-12-23T02:55:00.000+08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and little Timmy was excited,
It's gonna be Christmas mummy! It is!
Exclaimed little Timmy with glee..

Round and round the house he ran,
He couldn't contain his excitement
On and on about Christmas he went
His eyes wide open with excitement

He imagined the toys he would receive
That santa would bring on his sleigh tonight
Of the gifts that he had requested
He broke into a grin, full of delight

Little Timmy didn't want to sleep that night
excited, he wanted to wait for daylight
but alas, the sandman paid him a visit
soon he fell into a deep deep sleep..

The next morning as daylight broke
he jumped out of bed and scrambled downstairs
to the evergreen where his presents would be
but alas, there wasn't even a single one there.

Devastated,heart broken little Tommy broke into tears
His heart filled with great great sorrow,
But when mummy woke up and saw tommy's tears
she said,' why are you crying..for Christmas aint till tomorrow'

okay...corny i know...din't exactly work out....wanted to write a story about little Timmy.but too lazy so i thought i'd put it into poem....anyway..here's wishing everyone a Happy Holiday...and Merry Christmas.

for it is when you least expect it, will you be surprised.

Little Box of memories..

2005-12-23T02:48:00.000+08:00

Do you have a little box of memories?

U know...a box where you store things that you treasure....it might not even be something you treasure but maybe something that reminds you?

It might not be something of value...but it's certainly something meaningful

It might not be something beautiful...but its certainly something precious..

I was going through my things at home....lookin for pictures taht i can use to put together a picture collage...when i opened up my box of memories. In it, its made me realised of the friends i've made and lost...of distances that once were close are now worlds apart. It's kinda sad that i've lost touch with many of the authors whose letters are kept in my box of memories. It was interesting really to go through some of it, i din't have time to go through all....among them were pictures that the authors would send me. One day, i will get myself to sit down, go through all the things, the wonderful handmade gifts and cards that i've received, the little notes that though are simple, carry profound meaning. And one day, i wil restore the bridges that will lead me to their authors again. One day.

Do you have a box of memories?
Have you gone through it?

O h yea...in my box of memories...were also the lenses from my first spectacles, my diary and other stuff...

One Sweet Day (by Mariah Carey)

2005-12-04T14:43:00.000+08:00

One Sweet Day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive, alive

Chorus:
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together (Together)
One sweet day

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
And I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
(But I always cared)
And I miss the love we shared

(Chorus)

Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

(Chorus X2)

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

Blind

2005-12-01T21:19:00.000+08:00

this is a poem written by Jamie Thong...i think it's pretty good and i find it relevant to myself as well... enjoy

Blind!
by Jamie

Blind!
What are you, blind?
Why can't you see it? Why?
What's with your sight?
Wake up! Fool!
You gaze at it but you just don't see it!

Stop thinking you're right!
Stop shutting your thoughts!
Stop concluding things!
Stop it!
You see everything so well?
Yeah right! Everything is perfectly clear.

Man is good at seeing,
but he's also blind
Who can say what the colour is?
Who can say that is so?
Unclog your circuits, clean up your vision.
Maybe then you'll see righteously.

(I made) An angel cried tonight

2005-11-26T21:47:00.000+08:00

An angel cried tonight,
Innocent tears streamed down her porcelain cheeks,
Little tiny droplets...
Like fine mist...

She cries becuase of sadness in her heart..
Of pain and disappointment..
She cries because i made her cry..

It wasn't always like this...
There was a time when the Angel smiled...
A radiant brilliant smile..
A smile as warm as the sunshine...

But today, the smile was gone...
in its place, were tears instead..
where once it was radiant...
it became gloomy..

I'm truly sorry...
i really am...
for causing u such pain...
such sorrow...

it hurts me so....
to see the Angel cry...
innocent tears...
that water the earth...

I made an angel cry tonight...

the Angel here...refer to the people that we care about in our everyday life.... be it our family, our friends, our siblings or acquaintances. More often than not, we find that we are courteous to others but rude to our own family members....it is often that case that we hurt that people that we care about the most. So next time, please think of the Angel crying, and try not to inflict pain on those you care about.

Lost Poem

2005-11-26T21:35:00.000+08:00

A restless wanderer
He travels...
Aimlessly, without direction...

Engulfed in his thoughts
of nothingness, of emptiness
Faces passes by, but he doesn't see them
Everything blurred, nothing existent

He feels he is in transient,
between this world and the next
emotionless, featureless
without comprehension

Somewhere elsewhere
a gentle sobbing
she cries herself to sleep again..
her pillow wet with tears

She wonders why
such injustice and confusion
the pain that she endures
the endless tribulation

As he roams the streets
his senses are nulled
he has no vision, no direction
no purpose, no satisfaction

And yet he is suddenly enraptured
by a magnificient sight
skyscrapers against the night sky
shining in the twilight

Gentle wawves lashes the coast
A salty sea breeze materialises
Gently blowing, gently lulling
a stark contrast to the cityscape ,its surrounding

He hears his name being called
a gentle whiper, beckoning him
coaxing, cajolling, persuading him
like the cyrens of legends of yore

from the water he came
and to the water he returns
slowly, he takes the plunge
he feels warmth as the water engulfs him, swallowing him...

Finally, without worries
Finally, without fear
His heart now calm
His soul at ease...

ever since young, i've had an affinity to water....i don't know why...i just like being around water...maybe it was due to the fact that i lived near the sea....i still remember the many hours spent at my grandfather's swimming pool when i was much younger, of the time spent at the naval base's swimming pool as well.....

Kelvin is a celtic name..which means man from the water, or man who lives by the river. From the water he came, to the water he will return....

You know you're not gonna do well when...

2005-11-21T19:43:00.000+08:00

You know you're not gonna do well in exam when..

you forget your seat number just as you hop on the bus...
you learn 15 minutes before the exam that the mcq questions has negative markings
you enter the exam hall to discover u're allowed only 2 a4 helpsheets..(not my fault..i had 4 pages..still legal...but on 4 pieces of paper...other modules allows it)
as you're about to start..you zip up your jacket only to find your zipper broken

the 2 parts of the modules that u hope would not come out...comes out as question 3 n 4 in a 4 question exam..
your question reads like an essay...one question probably had 500 words or so..
the one equation you din't bother to put in the helpsheet...is asked to be written down....written down!!!not even derived

sighz
on with the battle! i feel like effort wasted..this was the one module where i put the most effort into...

Little Boy

2005-11-16T20:25:00.000+08:00

There was once a little boy..
He lived in a lonely house..
In a little lonely Corner...
On a lonely road...

this little boy..
seldom ventured out of his lonely house..
instead often hiding in the lonely corner..
on his little lonely bed..

but one day...
the little boy decided..
to walk down the lonely road..
through the streets and to a park..

there in the little park..
he saw other children playing around..
laughing gleefully as they ran around..
on the see saw, swing and merry go round...

from outside the fence, the little boy stood
staring into the playground...
seeing boys and girls playing daintilly...
oh how he longed to be a part of them...

and yet when he entered the playground..
no one came to play with him...
he sat one the see saw...alone..
he sat on the swing...alone...

day by day the boy walked to the park
day by day no one played with him
day by day he sat alone...
and he felt even lonelier than before...

he felt like a total stranger...
looking from the outside watching in..
he felt he didn't belong...
that he wasn't like or could fit in...

and yet one day, something different happened..
a girl by happenstance, saw the boy alone
she saw his sad face and took pity on him....
and that day...the boy found that he wasn't alone anymore...

the girl taught him how to play...
on the swing, the slide and the merry go round..
on the see saw she sat with him...
and the boy finally learnt how to smile...

though they spoke different languages initially..
and couldn't understand each other at the beginning..
day by day their friendship grew....
camarederie and laughter were the order of the day...

but then...something horrible happened...
something that was beyond comprehension...
and suddenly...the girl was no longer there....

and the boy was alone......again....

A star will always last...

2005-11-16T19:52:00.000+08:00

That's the first line of one of the poem....written by someone that i've not had the opportunity to meet and i guess i won't have the opportunity to meet at all as this individual has already left us.

The particular individual's name is Ryan Yeo, a Sarawakian born on the 12th of October 1984...

An exemplary individual, his life has touched many throughout his years of existence. He rose to the top of everything he did, being head prefect, mentor, head section of his Red Crescent Society. He was even supposed to lead a delegation of students from St Joseph Sarawak to Ipoh for a conference of La Salle schools. Unfortunately, two weeks before they were supposed to leave, he left the world suddenly.

I'm not too sure about the circumstances surrounding his death, but what is sure is that his death left an impact on many others. It was a true loss to the world, to have someone of such calibre taken before his time.

What touched me however, was the words that he had spoen to a friend before....

It feels good to help someone, try it

I've written in my blog many times before...that we truly should be appreciative of our family and friends...and the people around us. There is honestly no more need to emphasize it anymore..but let it be a constant reminder to us.

Also, while we're here, let us continue to strive for goodness and to spread love all around us. Difficult it may seen, but as Ryan said..it feels good to help someone.

In memory of Ryan Yeo, and my apologies for not having had the honour to meet such a distinguished individual

Ryan Yeo ( 12 October 1984 - 13 November 2002)
You're certainly a star that will always lasts in the hearts of those that have known you.

Here's the link to the website dedicated in his memory

A Portrait of A Sky

~ ©Ryan Yeo ~

A star will always last...

A star moving so fast,

Yet I am still spellbound by what is casted.

Of a sky so blue,

In a day of dark colours,

As brilliant starry night spray;

Wishing you were here I pray.

The coated clouds of magical touch above,

Delivering droplets of rain and love.

At long last is the angel,

Who is so caring, so special,

Who has once touched my heart,

The feeling remains from the start...

Night Walk Pt 2

2005-11-13T17:13:00.000+08:00

and so the story goes...
he took a walk..
in this loneliest of nights...

each single step...
the burden grew bigger...
his shoulders slumped further..

his mind reminisce..
to a time long ago...
when he felt happiness..

when there were joy and laughter..
when smiles were real and not fake..
when his heart was as light as a feather..

and when he returned
he looked around..
and he was astonished to find…

the smiles were still there..
the laughter were still there..
in all its innocence and joy.

it was then that he realised..
that it wasn’t the world that has changed…
it was he himself….

and so he stepped out of the night....
and into the sunlight....
difficult....but he will try...

this is my midi for the science of music module..basically we need to come up with a 1 minute midi...when i first wrote it...it was right after night walk pt 1...and through the days, i guess the song has evolved somewhat... listen to it here

To be a teacher

2005-11-10T18:55:00.000+08:00

sidetrack : To all those who are concerned about me....thank you very much for your concerns...i guess i'm pretty much alright....it's difficult to let go...and i dun think i'm succesful at it....but life has certainly taken a turn for the better.....and anyway exam's in 11 days time.....slowly trying to regain my focus. Thanks for your (yes you!) help....

When i was younger it has always been my ambition to be a teacher. Errm okay maybe that's not so true....you remember the cards we use to fill up in primary school and secondary school? U know that card of your profile...and you have to list down the occupation that you're interested in becoming...when i was in primary school..i always listed peguam (lawyer), hakim (judge) , and juruterbang (pilot)...once in a while i'd put in businessman or something else.. i was never interested in the defence forces though..never did i put police, or army or navy....although i thought fireman will be quite fun.

fastforwawrd about 8 years later....and i find myself arguing with my mom. She wasn't too happy that i wanted to be a teacher....neither could she understand it...but the thing is, my motivation in life has always been quite different from a lot of people...as i've told some ppl, i don view myself highly, material gains don't entice me..but i'm interested in the welfare of others... but that is just my priority by myself...perhaps with someone by my side things will be different as there will be different needs...

anyway.....i must admit that being a teacher is not very financially rewarding. In fact, my mom advised me to be a lecturer instead as lecturers earn a lot more moolah. but the whole idea of teaching is not exactly to earn money...instead i think teaching is a good opportunity to shape the lives of those around u. This is especially so as more and more of our daily life is spent in school. In fact i believe that if it was not for some inspirational teachers that i had, i wouldn't be where i am right now....and it is to these very few teachers that i look up to.. so i feel that teaching is not about imparting knowledge...but also to teach wisdom...to teach the skills of life.. to guide the students into being proper members of society...that i feel is the true calling of teachers.

many times i've seen students who go through secondary school..in fact i know some of them as my classmates..in fm 1 they were good ppl..but somehow as they go through the years and they mix with the wrong company, their attitude to life change, which changes their behaviour and everything else...really quite saddening to see this happen

so the motivation of being a teacher is not due to monetary gain..but it's more to inspire and motivate the children of today to be the leaders of tomoorrow (chewah sounds so chim :p) which is kinda the idea of why i spend so much time in OBS...u see..every year that i return to OBS , i encounter the same activity, the same paths and the same challenges...but the thing that makes it different is the people. So it really is very interesting to see the growth of these people even though it is for 10 days only.

so imagine my surprise...when one of my teachers approached me on msn..telling me that she's depressed..u see it isn't the teaching that's depressing but the bane of contention among alot of teachers is that its not a rewarding enough experience. Credit is not given where its due..in fact it goes to all the wrong places and all the wrong people. Office politics are rampant with backstabbers , sharp tongues everywhere. There is a constant amount of work...be it academic of cocurricula.......

but the whole idea..is i find it weird that the teacher can come to me telling me she's depressed and seeking advice from me...

when does a teacher become a student?

anyway sorry for this long rambling..not exactly sure what's going through my head.... as for me..i'm not too sure whether i still wanna be a teacher or not......i think there are lots of other ways to influence the lives of others....maybe i can be a millionaire and build lotsa charities :p dun ask me wat i wanna be now..i have no idea

Torn Within

2005-11-06T12:24:00.000+08:00

"If you truly love someone,
Let him/her go...
If he/she doesn't return
It was never meant to be "

Simple but difficult words...
I wish it was that simple...
But now i'm torn within :'( ...

on a side note...even my guitar is not being very cooperative....one of the strings broke yesterday so i can't play my guitar until i get another string......

Friends that we often forget...

2005-11-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

I find for my case....that in many situations...i tend to forget the friends that i have.

I know it sounds weird...but in pursuing a life that i think is ideal for me....in looking out for other people...i disregard those that are already around me...who truly does care about me...i guess in a way, i've taken many of them for granted and i believe i will still continue to do so....so in a way this serves as a reminder to me.

It's been quite a rough patch that i've gone through...and i guess i'm still going through. Healing takes time...and it is a painful process...

Many times, i've figured that i should be able to rough it out on my own, that i shouldn't burden others with my worries. Even now, a lot of times i think that that's true...Although i know its wrong, it's just a fact of life for me...its just how i live my life. There are a lot of things which i keep to myself...as i think that if i've exposed too much, i become very vulnerable. But please don't let this be a hindrance to you. If you find me in a difficult situation, ask the right questions and i'll probably provide the right answers...

To the many friends that i've forgotten, thank you for being there and caring for me. Some read this, others don't..my apologies for that. It's truly difficult to express my sincerest gratitude to you for honestly standing by me, standing in my shadows perhaps (reminds me of the song wind beneath my wings)..and i truly feel sorry that i've disregarded u at times...i'm truly grateful for all of your concerns and i apologise for making you worried. I'm really thankful for all of you being there..providing your support, it's truly quite hard for me to express in words.....but i think you know who you are...

Thank you once again...
may we be friends forever...

Kelvin

Night Walk...

2005-11-03T03:15:00.000+08:00

The clouds rumbles....
Flashes of light...
The heavens growl...

A bleeding heart...
A lonely soul...
An anguished man...

and so the story goes...
he took a walk..
in this loneliest of nights...

each single step...
the burden grew bigger...
his shoulders slumped further..

his mind reminisce..
to a time long ago...
when he felt happiness..

and yet he wonders..
where has it all gone..
when it was once there...

a time of innocence..
a time of hope...
no longer in existence..

now he sees faces...
all in a masquerade..
fake...and full of lies...

and as he walked..
the gentle mist sprays his face..
cooling his bleeding heart...

he wills the heavens to tear apart...
to pour out its treasure..
to drench his very soul..

and yet even the clouds refused...
maybe they took pity on his poor soul...
maybe even the heavens were mocking him...

and so he continued....
a man aimless...without a destination...
until he returned once again...right to the beginning

Turn back time....

2005-10-16T10:25:00.000+08:00

How i wish i could turn back the time...
Return to the past....
Retract the words...
Rescind my voice....

Now...
Things will never be the same again..
Life will forever change...
Give me back my masks...
Let me hide back in my hole....

*At least then...we were blissfully ignorant...

Lone Ranger

2005-10-09T01:51:00.000+08:00

This poem was given to me by ms sam..rather she directed it to me...nt sure who the author was. At that point, it was a particularly low point in my life...i was away from home...without family...i lived in a small area with 500 others but neither of whom i could call brother or sister. It felt quite fake..that all our laughters were shared..but our sorrows were kept to ourselves...

anyway..here it is....enjoy
i'll provide a commentary of my opinions after the poem

Laugh, and the world laughs with you,
Weep, and you weep alone
For sad old earth must borrow it's mirth
But has trouble enough of it's own
Sing, and the hills will answer
Sigh, it is lost on the air
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you
Grive, and they turn and go
They want full measure of all your plreasure,
But they do not need your woe
Be glad, and your friends are many
Be sad, and you lose them all
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall

Feast, and your halls are crowded,
Fast, and the world goes by
Succeed and give- and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain

in a way, many of the things mentioned above are true....that more often than not, ppl would want to share in our prosperity...but not our pain..it just goes to show the selfish nature of ppl...
however, we need to be reminded that
we come into the world empty handed...and we shall leave empty handed...nobody owes us anything in the world...and therefore, we shall not expect of anything from others.
however, in whatever capacity we can.....let us not be generalised together with our fellow mankind. give when we can....lend a shoulder or an ear....to listen to other's pain and suffering...and let us try to alleviate them....or simply to jst be a pillar of support for them...so that we can make this world a better place

Of jogging and men...

2005-10-02T02:18:00.000+08:00

My roommate and I decided to go for a jog at midnight today... It was quite an invigorating jog, very nice scenery, very nice terrain (probably explains why i'm still up at 2am when i wanted to sleep at 6pm..been a tiring day) that at the end of the jog i felt more refreshed than tired.

Anyway, i noticed that jogging can offer us many lessons in life that are applicable in many areas. I guess i should sum it up and write the analogy that i think is necessary This is how i relate them to exams

Warm up
It's necessary to warm up before a jog, pending which if you fail to do so, you may end up with injured limbs or crammed muscles. In a way, in real life, this shows that we must make sure that we're ready to take on the challenges, that we've equipped ourselves with all the necessary knowledge and skills to embark on our journey. This could be in the form of review of what we've learnt previously, or knowledge that we already have. Essentially, we need to get the basics ready, if not along the way, we may suffer mental cram, or simply hit a wall

Jogging
Before you jog, always start with a slow walk. This is also can be considered a part of the warm up process. Its necessary, to get your body totally acquainted and ready to take on the challenge. When you're ready then jog..
In real life, this would mean taking things slow at th ebeginning. The beginning is a time of discovery, still trying to understand what's happening and making an assesment of the situation. When you feel that you're comfortable enough with the topic then you start to push yourself harder

Pacing
While we continue to jog, we must make sure that we pace ourselves. Make sure that we are at a comfortable speed, we're dispensing energy at a comfortable rate and we're able to just make it to the finish line with not too much energy left or not being able to reach the finish line due to a shortage of energy.
Throughout our study, we should constantly pace ourselves, setting believable and achievable targets. Good things comes in small packages, so they say...so perhaps it is better to set small targets instead of being over ambitious. Make sure that you pace your studies well enough that you still retain an interest in the subject and you don't get burn out at all. But make sure that you don't set too slow a pace, slacking too much that in the end you can't accomplish the ultimate goal . Just set it just nice that you reach your goal with your last burst of energy.

Breath
Somewhat similar to pacing, we need to constantly monitor our breathing..not only that we need to make sure we're still breathing. Athletes know the importance of breathing, it is the tool that can let you win that gold or that can drag you to the dumps. In fact, athletes and wind players practice their breathing to ensure the body gets full circulation and doesn't tire out from an overdose of lactic acid too fast
The analogy to real life would be that we need to remember to breathe. That is, take things calmly and don't stress yourself out too much. Have enough urgency to finish your work, but also enough relaxing time to keep your body rejuvenated and not tired. Stress is one of the main factor that many students make often careless mistakes in exam or simply suffer from a brain jam during exams. Believe me, it has happened one too many timese for me. Breathing also will mean having adequate time to rest and recover , that means having enough hours of sleep and not depriving yourself of neccesary rest. If your body is sleep deprived, it is mentally weak and as such is more of a hindrance to us as our focus will not be there.

Sprint
When you near your destination, or when your goal is insight then you start to sprint, gather up the remainder of your energy and start to push. Push as hard as you can with all remaining energy that you have. Of course remember to pace so tat you're able to reach the finish line. Increase your speed and your stride as you near the finish line. Go faster, faster, faster. Don't slow down even when you're approaching the finish line (many ppl make this mistake) but continue gaining speed even if you're 1cm away from the finish line. Slow down only after you've crossed the line.
I guess the sprint part is quite self explanatory. As our exam nears, we study harder, we cram in more hours ..as many as we can take..of course at the same time we must still remember to breathe. But the important aspect here, is not to stop your sprint until we've crossed the finish line. How many times have we encounter this situation where for a case of exams that drags over a couple of weeks, we find that we gain momentum up to the exam time only to find that we become lazy once the first few papers are over. We know the end is in sight so we start slowing down. That is the wrong attitude! Slow down only when you've crossed the finish line. Remember that

WaRm Down.
After a run it's essential to warm down, to get the muscles loosened again, to get the heart pumping back to a regular rate and the body to dissipate extra heat and cool down.
After exams, spend some time warming down by doing activities that are relaxing or that are enjoyable. Release all those pent up pressure that was garnered through exam and enjoy the liberty taht you've been granted.

I guess that's all...i think a lot of wat i've wrote here is already common knowledge to all of you. Haha but i'd like to write it to serve as a reminder for myself

Unconditional Love....

2005-09-30T23:31:00.000+08:00

Have been having quite an interest in my msn nick lately.....the idea of unconditional love. Many people who have seen it have asked me about it, some leading to debates and further discussion.

Basically the idea of unconditional love has been playing in my mind for quite some time. I just dint have the exact term or phrase for it but something that has always been plaguing my mind is..what is love? what is so abstract about the idea of love that makes it hard to understand. A lot of ppl claim to be in love...or that they love someone. Many in relationships think that they are with their partners becuase of love. But is it really true? Sad to say, most often than not it is the idea of seeking companionship (not wanting to be lonely), lust, infatuation and many more that drives people on in relationship. Remove this elements, and the relationship crumbles overnight...

Which brings back to the idea of love. Is there love in varying degree? What is love? How is love demonstrated.

The answer finally came like a revelation. It was during my first CG meeting with my hall's VCF that it dawned on me. It happened when one of my brothers pray that i'll be able to demonstrate unconditional love. It was then that it dawned on me. For love to be truly love, it has to be unconditional. There shouldn't be a need for returns, or benefit from love or even reciprocal. Love is charity to your fellow mankind, a feeling of compassion and passion for them.

Which begs the question, is there truly unconditional love? Can man demonstrate such thing. Many have said that only God is able to demonstrate such love which is true to a certain extent. To Christians, God demonstrated that love when he sent his son to die on the cross. Even at the final moments, Jesus (according to Christianity), after being tormented, scorned and persecuted, with a head bloody from a crown of thorns and a body full of stripes with ribbons of flesh hanging prayed a prayer of forgiveness. He said, 'Father forgive them for they know not what they do' Such compassion is a true demonstration of unconditional love. Will you be able to show that?

Some will argue that humans being imperfect do not have the strength. Which is true. Until it occured to me that many people have already been demonstrating such a quality. Think about your parents. How often have they cared for you even with all the mistakes that you made. How many times have they forgiven you although your crime may seem unforgiveable. So humans too are able to demonstrate unconditional love (or simply love itself) . The only question is, will we be willing to. Will we love our fellow humans. It is a tough order but it's not impossible. And for me, i will try my utmost.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. (1 Corinthians 13 )

So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

I am

2005-09-24T02:11:00.000+08:00

I am the boy who caused you so much pain 21 years ago
I am the boy who always envied his bro because of his toys
I am the boy who hid in the large monsoon drain cutting his nails while he was waiting for the bus..becuase he was ashamed
I am the boy who played doctors and patients with the girl next door
I am the boy who always became the patient
I am the boy who took the same girl out for a bicycle ride and ended up crashing
I am the boy who scarred half his face becuase of that crash
I am the boy who lost your valuable toy cars..and am still sorry for it

I am the boy who sent you marching down to the headmaster's office while he was only seven
I am the boy who stood by the door silently while you were whipped by the headmaster
I am the boy who bore stripes on his legs on an almost daily basis
I am the boy who never learnt and thus got more stripes...both of us did
I am the boy who got chased out of the house
I am the boy who felt homesick he called home everyday
I am the boy who soothed you while you sleep..continuously patting you on the back
I am the boy who wasn't head prefect becuase i couldn't say the doa (i could)
I am the boy who saved your life..and almost drowned in the process
I am the boy who planned for a party...and was sad because only half turned up
I am the boy who scored a goal.

I am the boy who cried while we fought...not because of pain..but becuase of emotional pain
I am the boy who teared when he watched cartoons
I am the boy who joined band because his mother challenged him to and the dm looked real cool
I am the boy who wanted to be DM
I am the boy who became DM, and conductor, and tbone section leader, and...
I am the boy who made you cry while interviewing you
I am the boy who called you up the next day...to make sure you were okay
I am the boy who fell off the stage...and broke a tooth
I am the boy who got his nose whacked by the mace..and now have a crooked nose
I am the boy who got injured by the mace...many many times...including a dislocated thumb
I am the boy..who called the mace my gf...and had to share her with two others
I am the boy who scolded all of you though i never meant to
I am the boy who had such great pals and members...that we made it to the top
I am the boy who upon clearing his debts...spent 5000 the next day
I am the boy who was to shy to sing in public
I am the boy who shivered everytime he stood in front of the public and debated
I am the boy who can never play sports
I am the boy who had a mask on all the time

I am the guy they called a robot..emotionless
I am the guy who still enjoys the simple things in life....a beautiful sunset, the smell of fresh rain, a simple meal with family and friends
I am the guy who had many secrets....and will still have many secrets
I am the guy who fell for you
I am the guy who let you down
I am the guy who started the concert
I am the guy who still drops by school once in a while
I am the guy whose heart bleeds for the band in its current state
I am the guy who has many friends but doesn't realise it

but ultimately
i am the guy who is your friend and
i am the guy who wil be there...when you need help...or when you feel lonely...or when you need someone to lean on....i am your friend..that means you, you and you..

Growth

2005-09-15T02:01:00.000+08:00

ABC by the jackson 5 was just playing on my media player just now.....and it just occured to me...how different MJ is and has been throughout the years...

from a young innocent child with an equally innocent voice....he is and was broiled in scandal....the little boy with the cherubic face and the sweet smile...is now with a pale deathly white skin....and horrible features.

it just shows you that we 'll never know what happens to life.....that your childhood will not guarantee your adulthood....which i guess is kinda pertinent to me considering i've just made a step into adulthood (by society's standard, adulthood is not measured by maturity but by age)...and it makes me wonder what life will be like for me...ten years or so from now.....hehe meaningful i hope...

in a similar way, i've seen many ppl grow before my eyes.....and have seen the many potential that they have within them....i hope they'll be able to realise these potentials and be useful ppl to their families, their friends and society...

here's to a better world!

My mother thinks i'm gay

2005-09-12T12:45:00.000+08:00

hmm...writing this from the comp lab while waiting for my tutorial to start in fifteen minutes.......it's been a very hectic weekend..averaging around 4 hours of sleep since thursday night :p but it doesn't matter....it was a memorable weekend.

anyway.....thanx loads to everyone for making me bday memorable...pity i can't put this blog public to fully thank everybody..hehe..i still want my privacy....

this was what my life was like during the weekend....

midnight friday -> got 2 birthday cakes from friends...........errm was very touched..hehe..cause many of them came from far far away..like the 4 corners of the earth (pgp is in the 4th corner)

1am- > went for supper.....stayed till 2am...

2am - 4am....chatting n stuff.....tried to do lab report....

saturday
8am- woke up..had breakfast etc..got onto my lab report which should have been done many days before.....
around noon met up with my brother and his prospective future gf..haha..not bad sia doctor and athlete.,....haha i'm not gonna curse at my bro now cuase he's reading this blog but basically he made me wait for half an hour in a sleep deprived state while he hanbdled his prospective gf's computer probelms....not only that i had to lug his ibook all the way to him..
errm....after that we went harbourfront to get my new 256 mb sd card for the cam...
hehe
and as revenge..ig ot him to donate blood...his first time sia...should have seen his face pucat like anything....

after that i spent my time wandering around plaza sing...admiring the lovely yamaha xeno trumpet that's like 6k bucks........

hmm you still reading this??

oh yeah...bout the blog title..
seriously..
for a moment my mother thought i was GAY...due to a certain lovely brother of mine...

hehe this is what i got on my msn a couple of nights ago
mom : Kelvin...your kor kor says you're gay
me : (*&*&@^#*!&$) (Ofcourse i din swear it out in front of her) har? (yea that was the only response i could generate)
mom: yea he said you're gay...are you?
me: errm...a couple of days ago you were worried bout me getting a gf...now you're worried about me being gay?so which is it?u dun wan me to get gf or dun wan me to be gay
mom: of course i hope you're not gay...but u still can't get a gf
me: ya ya...i'm not gay..
mom: okay..that's quite a relief..

wahliao!!! my mom actually believed my brother when he said i'm gay.....anyway...my btoher's adopted for your info...to see what he looks like click on this link to his pic

okay that's all for now

albums still up with spanking new pics at www.flickr.com/photos/cxtreme

Today....

2005-09-10T09:03:00.000+08:00

I like the date today....hehe...so i thought that i'd create a post just for today :p :p

i have no idea what to say though...hmm i've added a flash of my flickr album on the right hand bar...go have a look!!

i guess a reflection is in order.....21 years in the making and it all boils down to today......

many experiences encountered....many experiences gained....

but what i'm truly thankful for......are the friends who was and is and will be there....

thanx guys!

Society's decay

2005-09-05T00:25:00.000+08:00

Here's quite a sad story....read up on it....unfortunately it is a true story and it's replicated over and over again....

http://sgdr.blogspot.com/2005/09/holiday-season.html

families are important to us....how have we forgotten what our parents have done for us? how is it that all those years of sweat and toil doesn't matter when we're succesful now? why is it that we do not treasure what matters most, family, love, but instead pursue things that are irrelevant to life like money, material beings.

i hope i don't turn out this way....i hope you don't as well.....

just remember the story of the man with the basket, his father and his son........where he tried to abandon his father by carrying him in the basket and bringing him into the jungle.....the son tells the father not to throw away the basket as he'll need the basket later on

do unto others what you want others to do unto you.....not because of the fear of retribution...but for the love of humanity and mankind

Of Deaths and Fireworks.....

2005-08-24T01:06:00.000+08:00

I'm currently 3 weeks into school ...with tutorials just starting this week....
Basically the first week of school was quite a sad week for me......emotionally draining, tiring both physically and mentally but i'll talk about that another day.

Today, we shall talk on the topic of death. This is something that's quite a recent issue for me. Honestly i've never been too exposed to death before....often going for funerals...but only because i got paid 10 bucks and it was my obligation to my school band ( we were a funeral band). The first real death i encountered was that of my grandfather...a year ago....

Since then..things have been rather peaceful for me.....until about three weeks ago. Up to now i've heard of 4 deaths.....all people that i knew....and people that i interacted with.

The first was an elder at my church....a very jovial and friendly man with white hair....i always remember him as the guy with a milk moustache everytime cause that's what he'll look like at the coffee corner after church. Always with a word of encouragement, he spoke to me on a variety of issues including religion, studies, faith...and even encouraged me to serve in the music ministry more...as his son was doing so in the states..and was being paid for it. Now i guess, i won't get to see him anymore....last i saw him was perhaps around half a year ago during Christmas service. I will miss his jovial spirit....but i think the real pain is in the fact that his family will miss him more.

The last death that i've heard of was just today. The pastor of my church passed away this morning.....due to heart attack. To be honest i din't really know him that well...as he's quite a new pastor in my church tho he's probably 60 plus years old...

The 2 deaths that affected me quite badly...but not as bad as others were of ppl in the prime of their lives.......
One was Abdul Rahman....a 16 year old boy of ST Michael....He was a band member and a school debator.....always cheerful, always with a joke in mind but always respectful of his elders. He was one..if he was stil alive to probably be a prime minister or a leader of the country...such capable lad. Although i've met him for very few times...one was during the combined band performance....and the other was this year during our state debate....i can feel the lost that's felt with his passing. Even the band members of my band...located 90 km away from him is mourning his passing. When i called his leader i could hear the sadness and the tears in his voice. Such was the great lost felt. But even worse, the lost of such a great leader..of such a great potential..The problem was no one expected him to go.No one thought that one day they'll go to school and hear the news of the demise of a friend. But go he did....he drowned and his father was unable to save him...such is the guilt and regret that will be borne by his family...my heart goes out to them...i guess we will never hear him play the bells again....but in our hearts he'll live on.

Then, there's the brother of a friend of mine....though i've not met him in my life, i know how his life has impacted his family. A strong soul, he has been strong throughout the whole duration of his life and his disease.Never during his disease did he complain..though the pain he was suffering was evident......in the end, he lost the battle and is now with the Saviour. A true saint, he has been devoted to the faith......his family has not been taking it well...but i believe that they'll come through this together and stronger....... (read my previous post at myxanga
for futher context)

It is never right for parents to bury their children. To the chinese this is taboo.....but it did happen in 2 of the 4 instances here....and it was certainly heartwrenching to the families involved. I can only imagine what they feel like...as i've certainly not experienced it personally and would not want to experience it as well. But i guess what we can learn from this ....and truly learn is that life is fragile. It can be snuffed out at the most unexpected moment...at a time when you're at your peak, your prime........and even then..not only our lives..but the lives of others are equally fragile.....so for the moment...say a prayer of thanks for the lives of your family and friends....and be truly grateful for them....show your appreciation to everybody.....

i guess i really wanna say that i truly appreciate all teh friends and family taht i have. Though i can't get myself to say it face to face...one day i will...but even if i dont' know it from the bottom of my heart that i love you....

and speaking about my own life......if i should die tomorrow...this is how i'd like to go.......i was just reading an article where some guy's ashes were scattered from a 15 storey tower while the fireworks go off.....for me..i'd like it to be something different...something celebratory.....something where people can reflect..and realise that i've lived a fulfilling life with no regrets. I'd like to be cremated...and my ashes compacted with gunpowder and fireworks......for every year that i've lived...i'd like a fireworks display that goese on for 1 minute with my ashes in it.....i'm gonna be 21 soon..so i guess if i die now..that'll be a 21 minute firework display.....better start saving money for the pyrotechnics now :p

a grand way to go don't you think?

-of deaths and fireworks-
if ever i should die
don't ever be sad
do not ever cry..
but indeed be glad..

for a fulfilling live i've lived
one with few regrets
and with a blast i'd leave
in fireworks no less....

2005-08-10T09:01:00.000+08:00

Hmm....decided to migrate here as this place seems abit more better equipped. Give me some time and i'll start putting up more things....like a chatbox, and also a flickr digest

Previous blog is at www.xanga.com/cxlime

visit for some interesting thoughts....